Birth Class Week 4: “BIRTH FROM ABOVE!!”

Tonight I saw the birth of a baby from the squat position. Up close. Like IMax up close. Like, well, scar me for life up close. Normally, I love the squat. I do the squat. My clients do the squat. But now, I will never look at that exercise the same way again.

Thank goodness the instructor is really cool, and she brings a ton of humor to the table which, naturally I appreciate. She keeps things pretty lively. Scary sometimes, but definitely lively!

Once the bombs, i mean babies started dropping, it went on repeatedly. For 15 mins straight. All with some really soothing guitar music in the background. I think the piano music from “Halloween” would’ve fit better!

It was a seemingly eternal broken VCR. And not like the front loading kind with wireless remote where you were almost DVD cool. I’m talking top loading Betamax with remote on a cord stuck on “play, rewind, stop, play. Play, rewind, stop, play, rewind, stop, play” over, and over, and over again that made me bummed you can’t order kids and have them delivered fed-ex.

It was an endless loop of “for the love of (insert personal lord and savior here) please have the stork do the next delivery before my eyes turn into raisins!”

You ever watched footage of B1 bombers dropping payload after payload in WWII? Well tonight it was “BIRTH FROM ABOVE!!!” And once the “miracle of childbirth” had been engrained deep, deep into my psyche, as if that wasn’t enough, it was time to be pummeled by placentas!


And to make the evening even better, the class voted against some Pixar-esque animated birth thing that probably would’ve had some cool Randy Newman song in the background.

So the moral of the story you ask?

Having babies ain’t for the squeamish, and Hollywood foresaketh me once again with misrepresenting reality!

The End


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Never attempt any new exercises mentioned in the VelowReviews blog without a thorough evaluation from a physician, personal trainer, strength coach, athletic trainer, physical therapist or sports chiropractor.