I fell off…and I can’t get up!

I fell off the wagon toward in the beginning of April. I had been doing indoor spins, just starting some outdoor road riding, had been doing intermittent mountain biking, and was doing a mixture of Al’s workouts plus working out with a personal trainer at the gym.

Then, stress hit…hard.

My schedule went from busy to ::~crazed~::, and I was freaking over everything that was on my plate. I won’t bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say, I’ve never had a schedule that packed and so many other things coming out of left field at me. Geez, I didn’t even have a baseball glove handy to catch it all, and yes, it stung!

Then, the cherry on top was when my family came in town. I only get to see them twice a year; so, I really look forward to their visits. Even so no matter if a fairy godmother comes to visit and can grant you all your wishes, it’s still stressful to have guests in the house! And…so it was. I started coming apart at the seams. While normally exercising is a stress release for me, it was one more thing I “had to do”, and that put it in the realm of adding MORE stress. So, I started discarding things till I was down to just my weekday rides that I lead. Some of those didn’t happen because of the weather we’ve been experiencing.

After my family left, I slowly started adding stuff back in, again. I’m still not back to doing weight training. (Now that one more thing was completed this week and is off my schedule, I may get back to it next week. We’ll see.)

However, I’ve noticed something in my rides this past month or so. Sure, we’ve had lots of wind, and that has taken a lot of joy out of my riding. But really, too much joy as gone out of my riding in general. WTH? I’m trying to figure this out. So maybe, writing about this will help me find a cause.

I even had the dreaded experience of NOT getting my much needed endorphins after a ride. It was this past Saturday evening, and I was stressing. I almost didn’t ride b/c I couldn’t find a buddy to go with me. However, I dragged myself out there, despite the wind, knowing that my reward would be endorphins. Except there weren’t any noticeable endorphins to be had. {whimper&groan.wav}

Thankfully on Sunday, I did get a “decent” shot of endorphins after the mountain bike ride, but not my normal “high” that I’m used to experiencing these past few years.

I’m at a loss to explain it.

I have noticed that after last year’s stellar (for me) season that I feel like I should have been much faster, much stronger than I am, right now. Instead, I feel weak and wimpy. I’m not enjoying the pain of riding, and I am finding myself avoiding experiencing any more pain. (That’s part of why I also haven’t gotten back to the weight training, either.)

Plus, there’s still a part of me that is “fried”. Take a rest you say? I HAVE! Plenty of them. Anymore, and I’m back to square one where I was in ’08. Ummm, no.

What else is there? Hmmm well as I write this, I’m realizing that everything is a “Have To Do”, lately. Frankly, I haven’t had much fun, at all. Plus, the wind isn’t helping my fun factor, either. I have had a couple of good group rides that had the fun element that I’ve missed so much from last year. Maybe, this is my problem. I need more FUN!.

Plus, I need a vacation with a vengeance. We haven’t been able to take one in 3 years, and I’m toast. I miss the beach. I miss the wind coming off the ocean. I miss the sun, the sand, the warmth…and the feeling of not having to be anywhere at any time. I want a massage and have someone else cook my foods (a la restaurant heaven). I don’t want to have to clean my house, fix the computers, refine a presentation, update the biz or personal blog, organize the basement, run to-and-fro for my kids, myself, the business, or other items. No. I want to do nothing and not feel guilty about it. I want to play some games and enjoy them. I want to explore just for the heck of it and not b/c it has some educational value to it.

Even when I get a moment to chill and read, what do I pick up? An informational book of some sort – be it self help, nutritional, healing, exercise, schooling/teaching, etc etc etc. Yet, I can’t bring myself to pick-up a fictional story or a even non-fictional story b/c I feel like it is a waste of my time…and there’s that voice again. “I could be DOING something with my time!” Eich! Geez, talk about “voices in my head”! These are no fun, at all!

All I want is to push the world away for a while and take a nice, long ride. Except my body isn’t ready for a nice, long ride. I have more mileage to get under my belt in order to do that. Oh there’s that HAVE to, again. Argh.

Plus, I keep coming back to my angst over not being the strong rider I was back in the fall. I’m embarrassed to be doing such low average speeds of only 15 miles per hour. I want 16, 17, 18 mph, and I want it now! I want to climb a certain dreaded hill that is my nemisis, and I want to do it NOW! (Without passing out.)

::headbang:: ::headbang:: ::headbang::

I took a look at Al’s post on getting faster with less overall time involved but it was a recipe for more pain. If I followed it, there’d be no fun at all b/c I know my group riders wouldn’t go for this stuff. I have no intention of being a lone rider all the time. That sux in itself.

*sigh* I sit in a strange place.

So…where is my fairy godmother, anyway?