“Not Worthy” – a new aspect

So, I posted about the “let-down” after the century in my previous blog post. I ended up with several great comments on it. (Thanks, all!)

What I’m exploring internally this morning is a new aspect that’s coming up. Perhaps it’s related to that “funk”, maybe not. Perhaps it’s just part of a natural, overall journey when one completes something of great effort. Regardless, here it is: I almost feel like the century I did was too easy and therefore as if it is (and therefore I am) somehow not worthy of all the accolades.

Maybe part of that has to do with my video and blog post being put on the front page for extra attention. (eek!) So, that would trigger old issues and not necessarily ones having to do with this century itself. (Yes, I was a bit embarrassed, feeling a little shy at being given such up-front-and-center attention. Except if I ever want to roll forward with my own site about my love of cycling and helping newbies get rolling, I need to “get over” that shyness. So…metaphorically, I sat on my hands, and I dealt with it.)

However, I find myself wanting to do another century, just to reaffirm what I’ve just done. Does that make sense? I imagine that I’m not the first person to feel that way, either.

Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. As I write this, I’m remembering that I did this in another way 10 years ago. No, not via biking. Walking.

I completed one of those charity walks: 60+ miles over 3 days. Day 1 – we walked through the rains of a tropical storm. At the end of the day, our campsite was flooded, and we had to make other arrangements for the night’s stay. Day 2 – on mile 3, a muscle I had injured during training several months previous was re-injured. I limped in pain the rest of the way and completed that day’s route. When I got to camp, I put on a knee brace and limp/walked all of Day 3 making it all the way to end. Slowly. …but I still did it.

After I finished that walk, I was sidelined, physically. It was two full months before my leg stopped hurting. That affected me mentally, too. It was extremely hard to get going again, physically. Funny…as I look back on that, I realize that I’m going through now some of what I did back then. (Thank heavens, at least this time, I didn’t have any injuries during the ride.)

That, too, was an epic distance. Like the century I just did, it was an epic effort, as well. Yet, I find that I’m downplaying my achievement now, as I did then. Interesting.

Gee, as I look back on what I achieved during that walk, I should have felt much better about myself. I mean, really! How many people would have completed the entire route with that kind of injury and pain…and a tropical storm to boot!? Not many. As I look back on it, I’m amazed that I did what I did. I’m not sure I would do the same thing now if all elements were presented to me now as they were then. In fact, I’m sure that I would not.

Now…if only I could take that awareness and apply it to my century endeavor. I don’t want to wait 10 years to have a new awareness of my effort. Hmmm, I’m going to work on re-framing all of this and see how I do.

Sure…maybe the hills were easy. At least for me, they were. They might not have been “easy hills” for a big group of folks who train on other types of terrain. (Plus, I have to remember they weren’t easy hills for my friend, either!) Sure, others who train in my area would consider that route to be easy. However, they have more experience, ride faster, are stronger and can do mountains. I shouldn’t bother to compare myself to them b/c it’s an unfair comparison. When I compare myself to me, what I have achieved is truly epic. So, there.

Yeah…I feel better now. :-)