Curious George Found Guilty of Doping

Sammy Squirrel has agreed to testify against the famous monkey

The Simeon Cycling Association Magistrate (SCAM) Officials have issued a statement that they have found famous newspaper delivery monkey Curious George guilty of doping in 1953 when he made is first delivery. He was initially suspected due to the fact that he did the entire route with no hands while riding a wheelie.

 

Officials first became suspicious when he was found to be responsible for letting a group of baby rabbits out of their pen causing massive trauma for their mother. This heightened when he was the prime target in an investigation by the Federal Aviation Administration when he was suspected of hijacking a kite and being a terrorist who was quoted as saying he would “rain down his monkey madness” on New York City. He almost got away with it until the man in the yellow hat thwarted him by helicopter.

 

It was also discovered that the Man in the Yellow Hat had to revive the monkey after he passed out from allegedly “tripping on a bottle of ether at the hospital.” Digging a little deeper, officials found that he had in fact broken his leg, and was trying to break into a cabinet filled with painkillers.

 

SCAM officials are also considering revoking George’s  medal that he earned after he was on a mission to go into space and ended up bailing out.This was after he outran a farmer trying to get away for flooding the man’s house prior to the launch after spilling a fountain pen.

 

“There’s no way in hell ANYTHING can move that fast without a little help from the outside if you know what I’m saying,” said the farmer. “It was all just a little sneaky the way he tried to cover it all up by using a garden hose,” the farmer said.

 

George’s people have released the following statement:

“George has never failed a drug test. We believe he ate some tainted bananas that enabled him to ride a little better as he delivered his papers. He has reassured us that he has not ever knowingly used performance enhancing bananas of any kind, and that he is certain a powdered banana supplement purchased at GNC is what caused the positive test.

 

We hold firm in our belief he will be cleared of these allegations, and return to the paperboy peloton so he can resume delivering his papers while riding a wheelie.”

 

Sammy Squirrel (pictured) has agreed to testify against George in exchange for being able to run in front of as many cars as possible for no apparent reason. Emails to M.A. Rey, Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat have not been responded to, and phone calls have not been returned.

  • I think it can change and with the advent last year of the French doping agency finally being “allowed” to test riders I believe the tour is the cleanest it has ever been.
    The results in the mountains seemed very different last year and the “truly” strong riders rose to the top.
    Unfortunately as long as there is a massively long season, too much racing, ridiculously hard Grand Tours and huge sponsorship, let alone the “need” to perform to keep your place on a team roster, there will be those that feel the need to cheat to stay there :(
    I disagree with legalising drugs as the long term health affects can be disastrous. Not an image or system we would want children aspiring to be involved in one day :(
    If the truth had have come out and a certain rider was suspended after testing positive to steroids in 1999,we wouldn’t be having to watch the s*&^ that is about to unfold.

  • Al Painter

    “I’m on a drug known as Charlie Sheen!”

    Look at all the podium finishers 1999-2005. How many of them were suspected, investigated or found guilty? Its a dirty sport, isn’t going to change and just legalize it all.

    If these guys weigh the risk vs reward, and still do it, screw, they’re grown ups. In fact, they just have the All-Drug Tour and get it over with. You can’t enter unless you’re dirty, and clean riders need not apply!

  • First, really funny. Second, it takes crazy skill to do a wheelie with a full rear fender like that.

  • Damn Al, what are you on/taking to write this stuff LOL :) :) :) :) and where do you stand on the current doping investigation into a certain multiple time TDF winner?