|Sammy Squirrel has agreed to testify against the famous monkey|
The Simeon Cycling Association Magistrate (SCAM) Officials have issued a statement that they have found famous newspaper delivery monkey Curious George guilty of doping in 1953 when he made is first delivery. He was initially suspected due to the fact that he did the entire route with no hands while riding a wheelie.
Officials first became suspicious when he was found to be responsible for letting a group of baby rabbits out of their pen causing massive trauma for their mother. This heightened when he was the prime target in an investigation by the Federal Aviation Administration when he was suspected of hijacking a kite and being a terrorist who was quoted as saying he would “rain down his monkey madness” on New York City. He almost got away with it until the man in the yellow hat thwarted him by helicopter.
It was also discovered that the Man in the Yellow Hat had to revive the monkey after he passed out from allegedly “tripping on a bottle of ether at the hospital.” Digging a little deeper, officials found that he had in fact broken his leg, and was trying to break into a cabinet filled with painkillers.
SCAM officials are also considering revoking George’s medal that he earned after he was on a mission to go into space and ended up bailing out.This was after he outran a farmer trying to get away for flooding the man’s house prior to the launch after spilling a fountain pen.
“There’s no way in hell ANYTHING can move that fast without a little help from the outside if you know what I’m saying,” said the farmer. “It was all just a little sneaky the way he tried to cover it all up by using a garden hose,” the farmer said.
George’s people have released the following statement:
“George has never failed a drug test. We believe he ate some tainted bananas that enabled him to ride a little better as he delivered his papers. He has reassured us that he has not ever knowingly used performance enhancing bananas of any kind, and that he is certain a powdered banana supplement purchased at GNC is what caused the positive test.
We hold firm in our belief he will be cleared of these allegations, and return to the paperboy peloton so he can resume delivering his papers while riding a wheelie.”
Sammy Squirrel (pictured) has agreed to testify against George in exchange for being able to run in front of as many cars as possible for no apparent reason. Emails to M.A. Rey, Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat have not been responded to, and phone calls have not been returned.